Tuesday, 30 December 2008
She plays a Jewish record Exec, and she raps about her purse. You know, standard "fish out of water" comedy. Like that Shelly Long vehicle (*gasp*! remember such a concept?!?!) "Troop Beverly Hills." In "Marci X", Kudrow overcomes racial issues by becoming a rapper or something to that effect. In "Troop Beverly Hills", Long overcomes being rich and entitled by becoming a Girl Scout Leader and leading her rich troops to a victory at Girl Guide Camp by defeating all the poor kids. Or Something to that effect. Both have multiple (!) song numbers.
WAIT?!?!? Why am I telling you this?!?! This is a BLOG! I can probably show you!
Yeah. Pure gold, I tell's ya!
TROOP BEVERLY HILLS
My God, the clothes. Were the 80's ever really THAT 80's?!?! Brutal. I love it. The cameos! The young 80's teen star girls who were in EVERYTHING back then! The gaggingly awful cameos! Stephanie fucking Beacham. Fuck OFF with this insanity.
Oh and if any of you gays haven't see it, Shelly Long's maid in the film is played by fuckin' ROSARIO. Yeah. Rosario worked for Shelly Long before Karen Walker, apparently. It's insane.
I can't be fucked to look for a Marci X clip online. If you care deeply enough search for one yourself. It's the same thing as Troop Beverly Hills only with the differences I described.
Isn't that funny how I totally started out talking about that film then totally flaked out on it in the end? HAHAHAHA!
Just thought I'd give ya some backstory.
So, Happy Hanukkah! Chanukah! Channukkaahh! I can't decide which spelling to use because it appears that even the Jewish community hasn't settled on picking one yet. Just the way us gays still can't decide if we're gay (yay!), queer (yay!), homosexual (boo!), "into guys" (BOOOO! and Bull-SHIT on THAT!), etc. etc. ad nauseum.
And I like this video. Check it out.
HAHAHHHAHHAHA! Funny, eh? I like it because I get nostalgic just thinking about playing that game with my ass-kickingly awesome sister when we were kids. She got it for Christmas, it was RAD!, we played it forever.
And I love that a bunch of dudes just made this video for fun and put it on youtube. I dunno. They're giving the world humour, and they're having fun being creative, and let's be honest, they're probably ten times more fun to hang out with at school than the fucking lame-ass jock crowd. So I'm givin' props to my Jews, you fucking rock.
Love, Little Kiwi
Tuesday, 4 November 2008
Are you picturing him in his funky Aladdin-pants yet? :-)
So I killed him and Mok and I dumped the body in the Hudson river.
*the boys arrive at the apartment where the party is*
HeadWoundVictim: Oh....yeah....ok, let's just drink their alcohol and see what happens.
1. "Fallen Angel". ... a guy in a thong or speedo, with angel wings (usually black), body glitter and stupid face makeup. and that's all. FUCK him. he's stupid.
Wow. You put on short shorts and worked out all day and now you're a "slutty football player" or something? That suuuuuuucks.
OH! And what's with all the gay leather men that simply wear their leather gear? That's not realllllly a costume. I mean, it would be if I was doing it. But you ALWAYS do the leather thing, so it's not really ...well,.... a costume. For Halloween you should dress as some other gay thing...um...like ....a gallery owner. Or wear a business suit. Or dress like a twink. You have to have some sense of irony about it all.
It was a rad night out, and I had a lot of fun. :-)
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
............................just watch this little video.
It's like a Little Kiwi stoner hallucination directed by David Lynch!!!
And it has Dolly!
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Milla Jovovich falls into the latter category.
Milla Jovovich. Model. Actress. Singer/Songwriter. "The Divine Comedy" was Milla's 1994 album of absolutely incredible folk-world-pop. She wrote every fucking song. And her vocals are not only more than competent, they're downright superb and reverberate with true artistry and passion.
Milla Fucking Jovovich. For real.
I've had the album since I was in my teens and whenever I play the album for people, they're always shocked that it's Milla.
"The chick from The Fifth Element??" "Thet Revlon model???"
Yeah. And she's fucking amazing. Here's a clip of here, singing live, and I think it speaks for itself. She's like a Tori Amos meets Bjork meets Joni, and she's like 17/18 when this was recorded. Amazing stuff.
Wow, eh? And why didn't more people know about this? Why are we subjected to the inane and largely contemptuous vanity projects from such twats as Lindsay Lohan? Heck, even Eddie Murphy's abysmal "Party all the Time" managed to make the charts, and it SUCKKKKED!
Scarlett Johannson releases and album of Tom Waits covers. Lindsay Lohan has released THREE albums. THREE. Bruce Willis had two. Eddie Furlong ( the snot-nosed twerp from T2: Judgement Day) cut an album in China, as did Alyssa Milano, and a bunch of soap opera girls n'guys whom I've never heard of, and can't be bothered to look up right now (google it if you care enough to question me).
Crappy crap crap, but it made money. That's just annoying. Like, Jennifer J.Lo Lopez. Successful albums. MILLIONS sold. But does anyone consider her a "singer"? A songwriter? She's neither. She's a BRAND NAME. And then here we have this absolute gem of an album from Milla, a genuine piece of artistry, free from the commercialized 'spin' of target demographics and marketing, and nobody freaking knows about it.
It's like a beautiful secret I've been able to share with friends for years. Have a listen, and if you like it (which, if you have any sense at all, you will) you should check out the album.
The Divine Comedy, by Milla.
Monday, 13 October 2008
I'm Thankful for that. I used to say my life is blessed, but I'm struggling with that concept right now. Does that mean that everyone with shitty parents and crap friends, or no friends, is not blessed? Are there blessings, or is it all sheer dumb luck? Or is the blessing not the things we have in life, but how we deal with the things we have?
I have no idea. Expect further explorations into the realm of Philosophy and Religion from me, for now all I really know for sure is that I have a rockin' family, the best friends in the world, and they give me the support system I need to curb my overriding cynicism that I'm sure is far too overwhelming for most people to deal with.
I used to wish that I was stupid, because stupid people always seem to be enjoying life so much. Everything is uncomplicated, everything is simple, everything is free from the overanalytic thought processes of the Intellectual.
Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything.
I'm just saying, I'm thankful for awareness. I embrace the sting, for I have faith there will be sweetness that follows, even if I have to wait a while for a taste.
Friday, 10 October 2008
Those were simpler times. Times so simple that I used to believe this pic was 'deep'.
It aint. But it sure is funny.
Thursday, 9 October 2008
Gag. GAAAAAAAAG. puke. gag and then puke. ugh. And did you see the towel around his neck? It was covered in beige makeup. Like, he's so completely made up that when he mops his brow layer upon layer of MAC comes off. BLARRRRRRRRRRF!
Black hair. Blue eyes. Gayest Eyebrows Ever. And lips that I'm sure he's proud of, but to me just evoke horrid visions of Lisa Rinna (go ahead. Google her).
"I know that looks can only take you so far. I'm going to show the judges that there's more to me than just a face..." Oh, I get it. You believe that what you see in the mirror is the worldwide definition of "HOT". You believe you are the Gold Standard for "Hot". I don't. My friends don't. Sorry. My best friend and I were HOWLING with laughter at his soundbite. We even gave you a nickname! Lipsy Bosomworth! Like....maybe you were the hottest shit out in the prairies, but GIRL.....you need a WAKE UP CALL! Stop waxing your fucking eyebrows, it makes it seem like you wish you had a vagine. A HUGE vagine.
It's bad enough that Blake thinks he's supersexworld incarnate (debatable!) but to also have some dancerboy rambling on about how he knows he has to be more than just "hot"....ugh. Puh-LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE.
Saturday, 4 October 2008
What do we sound like? We sound the way that neon looks.
We sound like lights shining off the wet pavement in an early Ridley Scott film.
-Who wrote and recorded this song?
-Where did you, the videomaker, first hear this song?
-What made you think it needed a Walt Disney Pictures' Hunchback of Notre Dame music video?
-How long did it take to decide which clips to use, and where?
-How long did it take to get the editing just right?
-Seriously, WHAT inspired this?
-You were cracking up the entire time you made this, eh?
-Can I have some of what you're smoking?
-For real. You made this video. Are you happy? I'm kinda happy you made it. It's just weirdly wonderful, in the most inanely tacky way.
Yeah. For real.
Nite. Cuz dats how it looks like it should be spelled. The programming? Who cares? Tit movies. Car movies. Exploding Car & Tit movies. Starring Richard Greico (*yum*).
Or Shannon Tweed. Who I think fucking rocks. For real. She's totally rad.
But anyway, late-nite tv is condescending. Once it's past 1am, the networks don't care. The advertisers don't care. You see shitty shows and shittier commercials. This is the domain of the non-union (ie, not SAG or ACTRA) performer. Horrid *actors* that were hired at a casting at a club in downtown Detroit one night inform you of the fun of "Party Lines*, trying in vain to hide their brrrrrrrrrrutal local accents.
Commercials for smoking-addiction cures. Commercial after commercial asking if I've been in an auto accident, have outstanding traffic fees, or need a good,cheap criminal lawyer or perhaps a community college. Wow. The TV thinks so highly of me.
The shows are dumber, and the commercials are literally selling their products phonetically - each one talking at me like I'm softly retarded or something.
Advertisers pay for when their commercials air. They're looking to reach their target demographic. Apparently, people who watch COPS at 2:30AM have outstanding warrants, need to go to college, need a lawyer, are bad drivers, and smoke too much.
Who are we kidding, they're probably right, but it's still a marked difference from primetime programming.
I love the little differences.
Wednesday, 1 October 2008
I don't really know what's going on, but I like it!
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
Masc Jock Frat Stud Muscle Varsity Abercrombie Hollister Dude Bro Fitch 69. Yeah, they usually throw a number in there too. Usually it's 69. Subtle, eh? How deep.
I'd love to serve them all molotov cocktails. But anyway....if you see people with these names, they're worth nothing more than a fuck. But I suggest this instead, DON'T fuck them. You can be a slut, just be an ethical one. Don't reward such mediocrity.
I have learned that the only thing more completely satisfying than going home with a totally "Conventionally Hot" guy is seeing the look on his face when you tell him you're not interested. It's fucking PRICELESS! Possibly more fun than sex. I'm not even kidding.
Then there are the hidden clues in profiles. I have learned that guys that put in their profile that they're "not into drama" are always, always, the ones that create drama. They're usually borderline insane. Like that italian freak I blogged about a few days ago. They invent the drama. They are drama.
"Not into Drama" - Translation: "I don't ever want to be disagreed with about anything ever. I have no brains, and no ability to rationalize intellectually, and I cannot be challenged on even the slightest or seemingly trivial circumstances."
"VGL" - 'Very Good Looking' - Translation: I'm the most stuck-up, conceited, socially unaware human being on the planet. My ultimate goal, every day, is to be the hottest guy walking down the street. I consider what I look like to be "hot" and any variations or deviations are considered, by me, to be lesser. Word of warning: if I get turned down by a guy I get really really really angry about it, because I believe that everyone should be into me. Because I'm really really into myself.
That's what the usage of the term "str8acting" means. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Take it from LittleKiwi, you all have permission to shove your fist down the throat of anyone you hear using the term "str8acting". It's so homophobic and self-hating. Seriously. Fist down throat.
I can see it now:
MascJockFratStud69: Hey dude, I like to have fun.
CollegeFitchMuscBro: Cool bro, me too! I Love having fun! We have so much in common!
MascJockFratStud69: Dude! Wanna meet up and have fun?
CollegeFitchMuscBro: Yeah bro!
*they meet up in CollegeFitchMuscBro's bachelor apartment in Vaseline Tower*
*MascJockFratStud69 starts smashing plates over his head, while CollegeFitchMuscBro puts on a Britney Spears cd and starts vogue-ing naked to his mirror*
CollegeFitchMuscBro: What are you doing???
MascJockFratStud69: Huh? What are YOU doing!?! That isn't fun at all!
CollegeFitchMuscBro: Yes it is! You're not having fun properly! That's not what fun is! You're such a liar!
*both men are shocked with disappointment at their inability to have fun together*
All those guys who write "not into fats, fems, asians or blacks" need to be wiped off the face of earth. That is some sick prejudiced shit there, my friends. Don't reward that kind of intellectual mediocrity. Be an Ethical Slut. Don't fuck a racist. Don't fuck a self-hating homophobe.
Photos on a profile should be of you. You recently. Ever have someone send you a photo and say "it's not a very good photo" as they're sending it? Why? Why are you sending a photo if it isn't very good? Aren't we gay? Don't we ensure that the only photos that make it onto our harddrives are ones we'd be proud to show off? Why upload and send a pic if it's a piece of shit? Or better yet, a guy with a photo of himself...in the distance..weaing a baseball cap...and sunglasses...with his head tilted up at that weird angle that gives him a thick neck (which is his intention) but makes him look like an all-chin/all-neck stroke victim (which is NOT his intention). Irritating.
Love, Little Kiwi
Saturday, 27 September 2008
Beyond the people who post fake photos of themselves....which is just beyond lame. I mean , they're usually identifiable because there aren't many genuine Abercrombie & Fitch models that live in Toronto. Or they get the math wrong. The photograph is some big tall hot muscled slice of man, and the profile says he's 6'2" and 145lbs? Ew...no. Bad math. Wrong math. Fake pic.
And then you get the Crazies. Crazies are crazy. They message you nonstop, you start out being diplomatic, or maybe you just ignore them. I do diplomacy. If they have something nice to say, I'll send them a nice response. The problem arises when they take this response, no matter how brief yet polite, and interpret it to be the opening of a dialogue. Which it isn't. Even replying with one word (or syllable) doesn't work.
"Hey man, so what's up this weekend??"
-just chillin with friends
"Hey, cool! Where you guys gonna chill???"
"That's cool. I'm going to 5ive!" (that's where lame people always went)
Sometimes this will be followed up weeks later with "Hey man! Long time no speak, whats up?!?"
Who are these people? It's borderline sociopathic to project all of your WANTS from this person on them to such a degree that even their complete lack of interest doesn't faze you! It's like begging for abuse. Please! Ignore me MORE!
Or you get just-plain-crazies, like this motherfucker I'm going to tell you about....
35. Italian. boasts that he is "str8acting/lkng" (everyone should know how much I positively LOATHE that term. It's self-hating homophobia.)
I don't find his pictures even remotely attractive. His profile is riddled with spelling and grammatical errrors. In short, I wouldn't fuck this man with a 10 foot cock.
Just not gonna happen. I don't even care to particularly talk to him. It's the internet, nobody *owes* anybody anything.
For like....years, this dude has sent me messages. I've always been diplomatic, I've always been friendly, and I've always said that, nothing personal, but I'm just not interested.
Well, today he went crazy. The following is a copy-and-paste job of our messages. Why did I waste time? I was dying my hair navy blue and had 30 mins to kill. And I was a little bit stoned. Big shock, eh? *HEHEHEHE*, plus, I was enjoying the ridiculousness of it all. Sure he's crazy, but now I get to blog about it!
Oh, italguy, from guys4men.com, you're a fucking lunatic.
--------------------------------------------------------------LittleKiwi= Green, CrazyItalGuy=Red
27 Sep 2008, 14:35italguy: i have to be honest u make me hard bro. i do think the tuth should be told besides u never chat me up :()
27 Sep 2008, 14:40You: hey dude, thanks very much, have a rockin weekend :-)
27 Sep 2008, 14:44italguy: why dont we ever hang out man i obviouosly DO think ur cute u seem cool im not like most bello
27 Sep 2008, 14:48You: thanks man, nothing personal, I'm just not interested, and i don't associate with people that use the term "str8-acting/lkg". i find it offensive. sorry.
27 Sep 2008, 14:48italguy: well i mean im not over gay sheesh cant u try to get to giveing a dude a chance.
27 Sep 2008, 14:51You: what *is* "over-gay"?better yet, what would be wrong with someone who is *over gay*?i'd rather hang out someone who is proudly, comfortably "over gay" than with a gay person who wants people to think that they're straight.
27 Sep 2008, 14:52italguy: NO man i am not saying that i am saying most dont beleive me that i am gay
27 Sep 2008, 14:58You: dude, nothing personal, just not interested.
27 Sep 2008, 14:59italguy: io dont care u seemt o be all about showing ur stupid ody anyways like most gay guys do ur not that nice dude dont know why u would say ur nice ur actualyl kind of a awsshole to be honest to chat with ur too HIGH MAINTENACE
27 Sep 2008, 15:02You: *sigh*if i'm so stupid then stop sending me messages. I'm not interested. it happens. there are tonnes of people who aren't interested in me. it happens. no big deal. me not being interested in, or attracted to, you doesn't make me an asshole. i never asked you to chat with me. i said i wasn't interested. you should have just left it at that. sorry, bye. have a good weekend.
27 Sep 2008, 15:03italguy: whatever mr IMAGEsuck it bitch lol
*at this point, Italguy sends me three pictures of his absolutely HIDEOUS penis.*
27 Sep 2008, 15:05You: and i don't like your cock. please bother somebody else. i've said i'm not interested, that's as simple as it is. now stop being pyschopathic.goodbye.
27 Sep 2008, 15:07italguy: i dont liek ur FACE u look like u got HIV so pls DONT respnd besides im not into fags with the head in the over trying to act HOT cuz honestly ur body is the ONLY decent thing the rest is BUTT UGLY dude trust me
27 Sep 2008, 15:07italguy: and ur too FUCKING GAY LOOKING tooo gay and NO i dont like faggy ppl LIKE YOUYOU LOOK LIKE UR HIV POZZZCHEERS FAGGOT
27 Sep 2008, 15:32You: :-)hilarious. so you admit to obsessing over someone who's butt-ugly. congrats :-) I'm out, proud, gay. proud 100% . not at all ashamed to be gay. love it. gay gay gay. marching in the pride parade with my parents. gay and proud.what's hilarious, is you think i
1. care what you think. 2. have forgotten that approximately 30 mins ago, i made you "so hard"bye bye crazy. sorry i don't find you attractive, but i'm sure someone else will. bye bye. stop obsessing over me. it makes you seem insane.
27 Sep 2008, 15:34italguy: nah WAS JUST HORNY trust me ur NOT my type at all and im taken latess
27 Sep 2008, 15:36You: awww, you're taken? too bad. i bet the guy you wanted to cheat on with me is a real prize ;-)i love how i've "not" been your type for a few years, and yet you still sent me messages on a regular basis. sorry dude, i don't buy it. i like being me, i like everything about me, and some troll with bad spelling who's just has his ego smacked isn't going to make me feel bad for one second. get over your obsession with me. it's borderline insane.
italguy: lmfao my obsession with you? nah just wanted to get off dude trust me you are NOT EVEN CLOSE TO MY TYPE I LIEKMEN NOT HIV LOOKING TWINKY LIL FEMME FAGS LIEK YOUyour nothing dude at all that is why u show pics of you like that your just some typical lil faggot lol
You: :-)dude. you're certifiable CRAZY. CRAAAZY. but thanks for your messages, i've saved them all and am posting them for all to see, as they're fucking HILARIOUS.:-)thanks!
italguy: whatever u stupid fuck i could care less man do what you want ur certifiable a FAGGOT later loser dont message me anymore please btw Michael says hi nasty faggot lolcheers loser (*note, I don't know who Michael is, but I'm guessing he's Crazy's imaginary friend. also bald, fat and 38)
So that was that. There may be more, but I had to hop in the shower and get the dye out. I look fucking AWESOME. Hehehe. And, i got a funny example of craziness out of it! woohoo!
Wednesday, 24 September 2008
Sunday, 21 September 2008
For example, a kebab place, small, takeout, ideal for the young, drunk, stoned and hungry.
And I'd call is Abra-Kebab-ra. Because it's fun to say!
Imagine, you're stoned-and-or-drunk, and you need food, and your friend says "How about we go to Abra-Kebab-ra?"
YOU'D LAUGH! And then your laughter would convince you that, yes, that would be the best plan of action.
Or perhaps you prefer falafels. I don't know, maybe you're Jewish, or a hippie, or you just like garlicky salty ball things ( I confess to not having a clue as to what a falafel is actually made of...)
But if you're hungry, and it's 3am, and you're wasted, where you gonna eat?
"JUST FALAFS!" JUST. FALAFS! Doesn't that fucking rock!? I'd eat there! And I'd laugh whilst eating! Everyone would be happy!
Just thought I'd share.
Friday, 19 September 2008
But this is just stupid.
I don't even know where to begin or end. A drum-heavy cover of "Fame"? The whitest-dancing black girl ever? Those HORRID kicks!? I mean, no way she was actually one of the star cheerleaders from her school. And...um...does anyone else think she's totally just making this shit up as she goes along?! I mean, it's all over the place. Then she, like, vogues. And then she vogues to the wall. And when she finally picks up the pom-poms....she doesn't really do anything with them. At one point she's sorta just standing there, keeping time, and fumbles with her hold on the left one. Weird.
I looooooooove her enthusiasm, though. Bitch can sell it.
Ok, so first I was in the Pride parade. A year later my parents were in it (marching with PFLAG, or PFFLAG, or PFFLAAGBTQBBQ or whichever new letters have recently been added. You all know what I'm talking about anyway).
Here's a video that captures a few of my fave observations from the parade. I just randomly found it on youtube, and amazingly, me and my parents are in it. WOOHOO!
It's amazing....this parade is about Diversity and Love. You see all these images of scantily clad men and women that social-conservatives take issue with. (Um...as far as I'm concerned, it's a day about being who you are, no matter who you are, so by all means, shake what your momma gave you, my friends. it don't harm me!)
Sexy girls. Sexy boys. But the biggest cheers from the crowd? PFLAG, baby.
Things to watch for:
0:13 - um...what kind of dance move is that?
0:15 - eek. There is where vogue goes to die. Bless.
1:00 - funny green bike eco-cabs! woohoo!
2:36 - YAY! It's me and my parents!! WOOHOOOO! Look how happy and proud we are! YAY!
2:47 - my parents hug. AWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Thursday, 18 September 2008
Enjoy. Hairdresser! Lyrical genius from a woman dressed in a garbage bag. Watch how tired she gets halfway through!
Precious Taft. PRECIOUS. TAFT. That's her NAME, ladies and gentleman. Precious fucking Taft. Ouch, that's gotta hurt. I have no idea what this monologue (set to tinkly Soap-opera piano music) is about. "And sometimes he was cinnamon.."? Huh? What the hell does that mean? Is he a cookie? A pie? She's trying SOOO hard to cry. I was half convinced she was gonna take a dump on camera. And the dude at the end?!?! HILARIOUS!
Ah....FAME!...as performed by what appears to be The Hunchback of the Queensboro Bridge. Jeez. Straighten your back, girl! Um, and none of this is really dancing...it's just sorta walking around, and shuffling, and doing the same 'non-move moves' over and over again. Like her two-footed variation on the pirrouette? Nice. Amazingly, she's has no formal dance training. I'm stunned.
Fuck, I HATE these bitches. Look how self-satisfied they are. I bet they tortured their families with this routine at every goddamn bar-mitzvah, bris and family-gathering for years. I can see it now....It's Shoshi's wedding "No! Don't invite Aunt Linda, she'll do that stupid Food song!"
I'm sure everyone laughed the first time. Out of politeness....but please, this is the kind of "act" that happens at a party, when they tell all the guests to "Gather 'round!" and you're corralled into watching an irony-free wankfest of delusional idiocy. When things like this happen at parties, I take it as my cue to leave immediately or get inebriated as fast and hard as humanly possible.
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
ok. Terry Fox. Let's just get this right out in the open: I think he was one of the finest human beings every to grace this earth.let's get one more thing out in the open: i have a crush on him.i know, he's dead. but i have plenty of crushes on dead people (gene kelly, james dean, scott noll,,etc)but for some reason, whenever i say "terry fox was hot" people look at me like i said something evil. like, how is it WRONG to be attracted to terry fox!?!?let's look at the stats:
i'm not fetishizing it, i'm simply saying, there's something sexy about people who've put themselves on the line physically, and refuse to be victimised and weak about it. fighting spirit man, it's so attractive.
and terry fox, beautiful inside and out, will be forever young. 21 years old, running forever, for an incredible cause. hot. hot hot. HOT HOT HOT.
love you man :-)
Tuesday, 16 September 2008
Sometimes you run across people so vapid and shallow that you just want to...well...I won't even go there. But here's an example of what I'm talking about. The following is a direct copy-and-paste from an online gay dating site profile. The guy is 29. A "headless horseman". (the name I give guys who shows pics of their naked bodies with the head cropped off). He has the kind of muscle tone that shows hours of daily gym work. But this is what he has to say......
"Hey. I'm looking for someone around my age who's muscular, fit, super fit, who's pics are for real, and who is really cool and strong and fit."
Wow. Do you think he's into guys who are fit? Say fit again. I fucking dare you. FIT. His screen-name should be "Jacob Three-Three." I mean, come ON people! Even for a gay online dating site that's just fucking pathetic. That's not a sentence, it's an affront to humanity. I can't be the only one who finds stupidity completely unsexy. Look! He even used "WHO'S" instead of "WHOSE"!!! This man is 29 years old!!! I've had more enlightened conversations with my dog. And when I say dog, I mean canine, and not the dyslexic God.
Remember that Sex and the City where Carrie gets the note from Natasha (Mr. Big's younger fiancee) and she used "their" instead of "there" and she gets a kick out of it? I get a kick out of that shit too.....for a moment. Then this sorta sadness hits me...because even though I can recognise the errors, I'm completely aware that a lot of the world...doesn't care. They don't. They see a hot person, and they forgive all stupidities. It's not fair. Why did I go to the trouble of becoming, oh, I don't know, LITERATE, if all guys want in a partner is something hot to show off on their arm? Why did I cultivate interests? Why did I bother learning anything about the world when the only thing that apparently matters is that each muscle group be buffed and toned for ultimate definition?
One time at the gym I made a comment to another friend that one of the guys he was checking out was "the biggest idiot I've ever met in my life". The Idiots friend overheard me and was like "that's really rude". I shrugged. Whatever. Like I care what the "friend" of this dumbass thinks. He's probably dumb too. But I actually engaged him in conversation. I said, "I know him. I've known him for years. I don't consider him smart or interesting. I find him almost criminally dull." Idiot's Friend (let's just call him Plebe The Mighty) said, "well, ok, but like brains aren't everything".......OOOHhhhhh,you can imagine what a comment like THAT does to a dude like me. I went on, "Do you think it's a bigger insult to comment on someone's lack of brains than it is to comment on their physical looks"? The guy said "yeah"...so I said, "then why aren't brains given more value in our community, and the rest of the fucking world, instead of muscles?"
There was a pause in the conversation that lasted about as long as the intermission between Act 1 and Act 2 of Gotterdammerung as Plebe The Mighty attempted to think. I never really got an answer. Oh well, I guess we'll never know......
Why is it that people are able to forgive anything cute? If person A is highly attracted to Person B and person B is simply NOT an outright asshole, person A puts person B on a pedastal of godliness. Here's a quick dramatization!
Person B: Hi, my name's Jacob Three-Three, I think cool people are awesome.
Person A: OMG, he's SO nice! He's the nicest guy ever! I like him!
Reality-Check Jones: No. He's not the nicest guy ever. He's inoffensively civil and uninteresting. He simply wasn't an asshole. That doesn't make him the Jesus of Hot.
What kind of existence is this? Not knowing shit about the world, not being for or against anything, and people just falling over themselves to sing the praises of someone who has...done WHAT exactly? Worked out a lot? Here's what a big muscular body means: you spend a lot of time doing repetitive movements with an increase in weight, thus increasing your muscle mass by default. Building muscle is a simple matter of human biology: it requires no thought process, no brains. You do the motions, the human biological makeup does the rest. I have nothing against people who exercise or work hard on their bodies. Fuck, I work out a few times a week. But I also read books. Engage people in open dialogues. Watch the news. I'm not saying "don't work out", I'm saying there's more to what you should be than simply a buffed-up shell of a man. I know plenty of hot, muscled and intelligent people. I just also know far too many hot, muscled dunces.
I'd say the same argument goes, in a way, to false-sophisticates. It's not what books you've read that counts, but what you've gleaned from them. It's not what school you went to, but what you learned from it, and how you apply what you've learned in your life.
But I stand by this: if you meet a funny, intelligent, interesting guy, he can always join a gym and build his body. It's simple. Even dumb people can do it, as we learned from Idiot and his friend Plebe The Mighty. But you can't take a dumb person with no personality and make them interesting or smart.
As Dorothy Parker once said, "You can lead a horticulture. But you can't make her think"
(Yes. the angsty gay kid quoted Dorothy Parker. viva la gay agenda! it works!)
Bartending this summer it was neat to see which customers flirted with which staffmembers, and in what manner. A lot of guys talked to me. Hehehe! It was fun. But the point is that they talked to me. Engaged me in conversation. Witty banter. Words were exchanged. Dialogue opened. And then you see how some guys (usually dressed in lame "Abercrombie-chic" clothes) look past you, to the hottie with the seriously rockin'bod, and they flirt by.....staring. Nobody really says anything. The eyes take on this vacant-glazed look like a drunk child seeing the world's biggest candybar, and they just sorta...stare at each other...and don't say anything witty, or funny, or...interesting. Are they psychic? Do they communicate via googly eyes and telepathy? Puke. I guess that's what I have to take from it. I can't be upset that I'm not the object of lust of muscular vegetables, and that really isn't the point of all this...
I guess I'm just expressing a desire and a sadness. I wish people cared more about the things I care about. Ugh, how lame is that? wah wah wah, whiney little miseryguts littlekiwi thinks he's Holden Caufield. Ugh.
Sometimes the world is like one big Highschool Cafeteria, and you're frantically looking around for the "Drama Crowd" to save you, and give you shelter and reassurance that you're just as special as the Jock Crowd makes you feel tiny. That's what I'm saying. I wish there was more Drama Crowd. Wow. That insight took forever to find.....
(in no particular order)
I'm Sailing Away - Styx
I can't help it! It's just so fucking awesome! He thought that they were angels! But to his surprise they climbed aboard their STARSHIP (they have a STARSHIP!!!) and sailed for the SKIES! I don't have a clue what this song is about but that doesn't stop me from singing it at the top of my lungs on the nightbus.
Tonight Is What It Means To Be Young - Fire Inc.
Take some bombastic nonsense lyrics and then marry them to a borderline Wagnerian series of cross-harmonic melodies and you have this six-and-a-half minute rock epic about....I don't know. But there are "revels" beginning, and fires are started, and the people...they're "dancing for the restless and the broken hearted"....ok..GREAT!
Be Here Now - Ray Lamontagne
Feel like bawling your eyes out? No? Then don't listen to this song. Feel like taking a 6 minute walk through an angel chorus and plucked guitar and haunted vocals that conjure visions of sunlight and snow and the ache of love? Have a fucking listen. If Sarah Polley were a song she'd sound like this. Just oozing restrained emotion and layers of deep meaning.
A&E - Goldfrapp
Perfect trip-pop documenting the awakening in a hospital emergency room after a night of pills...*sigh*... Calling her hospital gown a backless dress? Sublime.
Grab a Hold/Same Ol' Story/Rain on Me - Cyndi Lauper
Ok, so it's three songs from the Cynd-sters 2008 Bring Ya To Tha Brink album. But they contain the same brilliance: lyrics that are clever, intelligent, meaningful, and wrapped around them are the most insanely catchy melodies and synth-driven rhythms of the year. This is the album Madonna wishes she'd made with Hard Candy, and the album everyone should have bought instead. Best Dance Album of 2008.
Juliet of the Spirits - The B-52s
Impossible to resist dance-pop with references to classic foreign film? This is what being gay is supposed to be about.
Two Times Blue - Debbie Harry
Why am I the only person that has her "Necessary Evil" album?? Why don't the gays still love Debbie? Fuck Britney. Fuck Mariah (scratch that, push Mariah off a bridge instead). This song is glooooorious! She hasn't lost an ounce of her cool.
Rip Her To Shreds - Blondie
Some more Debbie-Lovin'. This song is just so cool. Play it. Learn it. Strut to it, and when you see a dull poseur bitch, Rip. Her. To. Shreds.
Dark Road - Annie Lennox
Annie. Pure Annie. A lovesong from the Lovely Lady of Aberdeen, to you.
SHORTBUS and the state of Gay Cinema Current mood: optimistic
Ahhh...gay cinema. now, go to the "gay/lesbian" section of your local videostore. if your store does not have a gay/lesbian section, you need to become a member of a different videostore. if there are no videostores with gay/lesbian sections where you live, then you live in the wrong place and you need to move.once you have moved, and become a member of a hip videostore, go to the Gay/Lesbian section.you will see the following types of films:
it's strange. the majority of the films you will find in the gay section are films with handsome boys prominently displayed on the cover, but the acting and writing are generally subpar, there's no real emotional resonance, and the sex/kissing always feels tacked-on and forced.
Enter, SHORTBUS.WOW.WOOOOW.i went into this film knowing it was "the sex film" by john cameron mitchell (hedwig baby! aka, one of my fave films of all time)so, all i really knew was there was sex, and i had some friends in it. what i didn't know was that i would have my emotional centre completely shattered while watching it, and completely put back together by the films end.
it's funny. when you SEE sex on film, your mind doesn't think about it. it doesn't have to, it's seeing it, right there. but when a film has an "implied" sex scene, the use of editing, sound and camerawork tries to make you think you're seeing more than you actually are. it's tricking your mind into thinking about sex. so you're not focusing on characters, you're building up a sexual scenario in your head, which is a distraction from the characters on screen. show then fucking, and you focus on THEM. intesting how that works....
you know how films like Philadelphia, Brokeback Mountain, and practically every other "gay film" ever made is sorta "safe" , for heterosexual viewing? like, we can't make it TOO GAY or else the straighties won't "get it"? Shortbus doesn't pull that shit.NOW, i think there is a great time and place for "safe" gay films for straight people. as a medium, film can be a great educator/enlightener. films with non-threatening gay characters can open the minds of people who would previously not have thought that gay people are, you know, regular human beings. it can give people a new perspective, one that radically needs changing. let's face it, this IS a homophobic world we live in.so, while i appreciate the "gay films for straight people" that are being made, it was just so wonderful, as a gay man, to see a film that didn't fucking care if straight people didn't like it.the opening of the film is so graphically sexual, it practically dares the audience. it says "If you can't handle this, you might as well leave now". which is awesome. sometimes it's nice to see a gay film for gay people. telling our stories, and not caring what the straight world thinks. while i applaud filmmakers for tackling gay subject matter, and presenting it to a wide audience, my heart was overjoyed to FINALLY see a movie that told a story...to me. a gay guy.